So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Enjoy the penises
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
