You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
