You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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