Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
