Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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