Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
