We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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