Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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