I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize