Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Randomize
