I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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