I wish I could teleport
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
