puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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