I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
