Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
