watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
