OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
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