Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
