the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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