My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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