Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
