just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
