I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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