we have pet lesbian snakes
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
God I need to hump something, right now.
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