I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
