remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
