worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
