i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
