the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
