OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just threw up on my dentist
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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