Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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