I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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