Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
