see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
