I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
