unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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