I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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