im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
