Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
