Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
