every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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