we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
