Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
