my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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