this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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