My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
