I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
