She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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