No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
