I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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