just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
