I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
