Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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