You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
