the condom got lost in my hair
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
My feet surprised me
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