Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
