Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
