Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
