I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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